Ruined and Healed

PREFACE

I felt the need to write a blurb warning those of you who do not know me spiritually that this one is a bit heavy.  Please do not be turned off or afraid of the words that I use or the feelings that I share in the following. I have been pretty blunt in this entry and my sincere hope is that you might better understand and possibly feel for yourself the incredible power of Christ. Please let me know if I can answer any questions or if you just want to tell me that you think I am crazy.  I know I am :)

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The human part of me was afraid, when I left on this trip, that I was just trying to run away from the sin and problems in my life back in the states. But better than me, God knew my heart. I came here with the intent to serve and do what I could to grow the kingdom. There are no words to describe the growth that has taken place in my heart since I got here just shy of a month ago. Here is my attempt at it:

God is a jealous God. No doubt. He wanted my heart, he wanted all of me.  God is rightly jealous of our affections, and I was not pouring out my affection to Him. He stole me back and took possession of what was rightly His in the first place.  In the process He has showered me with his love, his strength, and his grace.  Things that I was afraid to lose by giving them up to God have only been magnified.

I realized, through the events of the past months, that I have never really had to sacrifice for God. I have never really had to give anything up or lay anything important on the line for him.  My reputation, my sport, my relationships, my family, my livelyhood- nothing.  Nothing in my life has ever really been in jeopardy until I left on this trip.  Leaving wasn't even the hardest part- it was an adventure. I looked forward to the possible hardships and lessons I could take from it.  Little did I know that getting here was a simple first step in the complete rewriting of my life. The month that I have been here God has used to open my eyes to the ways in which I have been putting the world in front of Him.

I have been given an incredible and gracious opportunity to make a huge change in my life.  In giving up things to God that I very much wanted to keep, I have been utterly humbled by what he has given me in return.  The weightlessness of my heart and the sheer joy I feel is only something God could gift me with, only something the power of his son has made possible.

When I woke up and went to church this morning, I had no idea that it was baptism Sunday.  When the pastor mentioned it I was hit with such an intense and physical pull to be included. I immediately wished I had signed up or heard about it ahead of time or something. When the pastor went on to say that anyone called to be baptized should join right in my heart nearly leapt out of my chest.  What I couldn't make myself do though was to leap out of my chair.  I sat on the very edge of my seat when it came time for any randoms to come up, and just as I started to lean forward and stand myself up he closed with the announcement that anyone wishing to be baptized had another chance during the evening service.  After my heart had been flying around in my chest (I haven't felt that since Pac-10s) I was shaking and near to tears, very aware of this entirely physical calling I had just experienced, angry with myself for not stepping up, and thankful to the Lord for His understanding and second chance in the evening.  Turns out there were reasons for my being glued to my seat- Beauty (a worker with us on the farm) upon hearing my news also decided to muster up the courage to be baptized and before we had even left the morning service the entire family was coming to watch, document, and celebrate afterward.

"As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him.  And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." (matthew 3:16)

and Heaven was never closed again.

What an experience. I don't remember what I said into the mic after I spoke my name. Something I just read from Isaiah about being ruined and healed.

The way I see it, I was like someone who never knew defeat so never understood victory.  The last few months, being completely defeated in myself was spiritually excruciating.  Taking steps toward Jesus, carrying my cross with me, was equally excruciating because I was shown my weakness, I discovered that I can't even trust myself because I am a child of wrath and I am diseased with sin.  After feeling healed by Jesus of my sins, I now truly know the victory of my salvation.  What a joy! I can't begin to describe the weightlessness of my heart and the joy I have all around me.

We went for coffee after the service tonight and it was all I could do to hold myself back from shouting to the entire restaurant the joy of my baptism! I felt like a complete crazy person, and most likely sound like one in this post.   I am unashamed, as nervous as I am to throw this all out there for so many people in my life who don't know the Jesus in me.  This was the heaviest experience I have ever personally experienced. Nothing has compared to this.